I Thank Our Breakup

Riccardo Mion

Every time I want to go into denial, I remember that acceptance is the hardest step to anything. I still miss you, as much as I try to deny it. A part of me goes back to the times when those three words would be reciprocated together with a sad face emoji, but today I just say them to you in my heart and wish that one day the stars will align and you get to hear those words.

It is not about how long we were together, but how you made me feel. You gave me joy that didn’t go away easily; it took my pain away and made some hurtful situations more comfortable to bear. The very thought of you in my head was like light illuminating a sad, dark part of me. A light I have tried to find again to no avail.

Deep down inside me, I feel the void like a door left ajar in the chilly night. You made me a better person, and I felt complete with you. How you managed to make me laugh through tears you had made me shed is still a mystery I don’t want to solve.

However, that was then. I feel like each time I see you after our break up I am talking to someone else. Somebody, I don’t know. I stopped recognizing you after we had our third major fight. Even though I miss you, I love it when we are not together for now. You proved to me that you were the right one for me, just not at the right time.

When we started drifting away, I felt it immediately. No longer was my input final, and you had to ask one of your friends. When we quarreled a little, you would take off and come back in a different mood. You stopped fighting for us first, something that took me a couple of months to accept.

I am also not without fault; my role was played in the splitting. Over and over again I clapped back without any iota of respect for you, But what really drove us apart? Why did these last disputes feel so easy to brush off? Had we stopped caring about each other that much? I think that we lost interest in keeping the flame alive.

We should have done more; cared more for each other, and listened less to other people who had no idea about our relationship. We should have drawn closer when the world was determined to tear us apart. It was in that instance that my eyes were opened, albeit puffy from all the tears I shed, I saw clearly.

Never had I wished for it, that you would be as far away from me as possible, If only just to make my heart break a lot less. The last months we were together I went through serious pain and self-hate.

Someday we will meet, and in my heart I still miss you, but if there was ever an anchor that holds me together it is the fact that even when you are still in my heart, at least we are broken up.