When I was younger, I was quite naive when it came to dating. I was open with myself and my feelings. It was easy for guys to get close to me because I thought everyone would be as genuine to me as I was to them.
I was so silly; I believed true love would be easy to find, that guys who sweet talked and were kind to me actually meant it. Not long after I began dating, I experienced my first heartbreak. It made me realize that my views were unrealistic and that people were not all they're cracked up to be. I got my heart broke multiple more times, thinking that maybe some guys would be honest and love me. That showed me that I was too emotionally available, that I put myself out there to be hurt. It is one of the worst feelings to give yourself to someone and have them not return the same to you. I've been burned one too many times because I was emotionally available to men who were not, and that caused me to be the same way— emotionally unavailable.
In the beginning, I knew no better. I met a cute guy who was super sweet. I opened myself up to him, in hopes that we would be together. He seemed caring, and he was funny, so I fell right into him. In time I realized that I was the one opening up to him, and he wasn't giving me the same in return. He didn't seem to care about things i talked about or my interests. I ended up with a broken heart.
When you get your heart broken for the very first time, you feel like it will never end, that you will be sad for the rest of your life. You feel like your love is gone and you will never love anyone again. You don't understand why you have to feel this way after you have given your all to someone.
My first real heartbreak I thought forever changed me, but some time passed, I felt better, and i met another guy who seemed great! So we dated, and things got a little serious. I once again opened myself up and thought that we could be something, but he ended up being the same thing my first boyfriend was ― emotionally unavailable.
Time after time I have dated men who are emotionally unavailable. Guys who don't know how, or don't even care to express their feelings and be open. I've had my heart broken multiple times, and that's caused me to build up walls to protect myself from getting hurt. I got tired of wasting my time and hurting my self-esteem by opening up to guys who aren't willing to put in the effort to be the same with me. When you give people your heart, and they choose not to reciprocate it, over and over again, it makes you less caring and harder each time.
I learned not to be so vulnerable, and naive when it comes to guys. I have not lost hope in finding the right man one day, but the right man would have to be a special one. One who can show me more than what guys from my past have shown me. One who can take my fears of commitment away, and break down the strong walls that I've built around me. Until then, I'll be emotionally unavailable.